"Time"

Well, it's been quite a while since I've updated this site. School and work have taken over my life, and time has been dissolving away at a faster rate than ever before. When I was a kid, I remember marveling at how long a month could last, especially when Christmas or my Birthday was on the other side of it. Now, I wake up in the morning and look at my watch to find out what year it is. This is a sad state of affairs for someone who is only 22. But I've noticed this disturbing trend recently, and it scares me. Because, if I'm feeling like time is rocketing by at light speed at my young age, then how will it feel when I am 30? Or, more significantly, 60?

Some people I know very well (let their names remain a mystery to maintain their public ruse :) ) achieved this great milestone a few months ago. Though it doesn't seem to have affected them in the slightest, I know they are quite in awe that they have reached this age so soon and with seemingly so little effort. I used to wonder how someone who is 80 years old could look back on his or her life and ask where the time went. When a day could outlast a barrel of nuclear waste, and a month could tickle the toes of eternity, how could 80 years seem like the blink of an eye? I am now beginning to understand, however, and this is turning out to be an understanding I do not wish to have.

In my house, on a bookshelf, there has been a painfully green and orange bookmark hanging off of an old authentic German beer stein for my entire life, as I can recall. On it reads the very poignant sentence, "I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then." I used to contemplate this worldly observation as a kid and wonder how these words could mean anything at all. It sounded like nonsense.

When I was about 12 or so, however, I looked at that old thing for the first time in a while, and it suddenly hit me. This is a single statement encompassing all the disillusionment and bitterness that (some) people feel when they run smack into the brick wall of middle age. In this way, the words are painful, but humorous because of their accuracy and truth. "AHA!" said I, still but a lad, "DARK COMEDY!" Ok, no, I didn't say that. But it was an eye opener about the possible state of my future. At that very moment, I swore to myself that I would not end up in a position where this statement would sufficiently sum up my life.

But now, I have seen that time has taken me towards this end. There may be no avoiding this path, but I now also feel that this path may not be as bad as the prophetic bookmark portends. While we all must at one time or another face the prospect of a meaningless life, it is those who realize that meaninglessness is in the eye of the beholder that can come out of this hazy time and enjoy life for what it is: ups and downs. Luckily for me, however, I have not reached this great decision making point. I can take great solace in the fact that there are still many things of which I do not know, and which I will not know for quite some time.

-c